Post about the Phillies

Evan, you want a post about our lowly Phillies, I shall give you a post about the worst thing ever. In the category of worst things, the group of "sports teams" is not even enough to properly describe the Phils, and the term "ever" describes the entire history of time starting at the big bang and includes every moment up to now. Things like World War II, disco, and that asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs would all fall behind the Phillies on this list or worsts. Not only do they suck, but they just seem like a bunch of stuck up brats who care about winning as much as I care about American Idol.

The Phillies are the reason the Ancient Egyptians invented the negative sign. This advanced civilization used their pyramids and the orbit of the earth around the sun to predict how stupid the Philadelphia Phillies would be, but at that time they had no way to express something less than zero. After much thinking, they came up with "-" negative so that they could say
The Phillies= -156,432,879 (Egyptians were really into math).

As Evan has said before, the reason this team is so great at pissing people off is because they get your hopes all up EVERY SINGLE YEAR only to end up sucking. And man do they suck. I don't watch a lot of other baseball, so I don't know if this is true, but it seems the job a bullpen is to finish the game and perserve a lead. The Phillies' bullpen blows every game. How is it a starting pitcher can give up, say, three hits in three innings, but a bullpen guy always surrenders like five in one inning. This always seems to happen.

As I said before, one of the many reason I'm starting to hate the Phillies is because they just seem like a bunch of jerks. Brett Myers beat his wife on a street corner. That sucks for his wife, but it sucks for me too cause now I have to listen to some bean eating Boston dude talk about how unclassy Philadelphians are in some retarded accent that sounds like he had a stroke seven years ago and now it has progressed to the point this dude only has four brain cells left, none of those controlling his speech. Hey Bret...we know you are "an angry man" by the way you stomp around the mound with those "angry eyes" everytime you screw up...we know, we get it, you are an old boxer and you are mean and tough. Good for you dude, now trying acting like a civilized ape, cause I doubt you'll ever reach the human level.

I saw Pat Burrell standing on a street corner in Philadelphia about one month ago. He was just standing there looking like he thought he was important so I walked past him, turned around, and kicked him in the back of his calf. I said, "Take that Pat Burrell, that kick to the calf is for your continued and relentless sucking, I hate you."

Is Dave Bell really a professional baseball player? I mean, could it be possible he once saw Mike Schmidt kill someone and promised not to say anything if they let him play third base? I bet he was a plumber who won some sort of contest and now tortures the rest of us by watching him bat. Anyway, he is the worst. He makes me want to stick a ball point pen through my retina.

mike lieberthal, ahhh, mike lieberthal. you are not even worth the extra effort it takes me to hold down the shift key to capitalize your name, you are not even a proper noun. For real, is this the best catcher they can find? I don't understand, I don't see how a team can continue to keep players after continued suckiness. The Eagle would not do that, The Eagle would boot your ass in that situation. Then Brian Dawkins would rip your pancreas out from behind your ribs, rip it in half, throw it on the ground only to end with the double bicep flex. He would then proceed to tell us how Jesus loves us, then Jesus and Brian would do super bicep flexes to intimadate all us sinners. Man, he is bad ass. Sooooo, on to the Birds.

Say it with me now E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!