Phillipea is Grande y Finue falafalafalafalafala

This one goes out to my good buddy Phil who is currently living in New Hamshire. Just like New Jersey, New Hamshire begins with the word "new", but unlike jersey because I don't live there. Scientists agree, I don't like it...but only because I don't like states that are trapezoids.

Well one time Phil and I were wrestling or arguing or something up in Seneca Falls, New York and I did not like the crap that was so fluently flowing out of his mouth. I don't remember what we were talking about, but I do remember the only option I saw for myself was prolonged bodily harm towards Phil, something that would permanently scar him both physically and mentally for years to come. That day I promised Phil, myself, and God that I was going to grow my big-toenail out and file it to a point until it was long enough to puncture his spleen. I also thought about not washing my bigtoe so the puncture wound would get infected, but found it hard to keep the soap from the rest of my body from running down my feet.

So it went, all winter, all spring, all summer. Eventually I was like a Raptor, I learned to use my new weapon to catch small prey like rats, kittens, and bunnies. I became deadly accurate, and as my toenail grew, so did the muscles in my leg adapt. I now possessed the ability to kill anything within a three and a half foot radius with the snap of my leg. Just as a chamillion has its tongue, I had my toenail...and Phillipea was a dead man walking. My foot also had the ability to cut the toughest steak, the freshest breads, and even tomatoes without squishing them, and could be used like a fork to bring the food to my mouth.

It was planned. I would wear my sandals that could easily be removed and with one quick strike I would hawk down Phil's spleen, leaving his immune system critically disabled and lacking the ability to fight off infection.

I was so powerful, and soon realized it was not me that had control over my toenail, it was my toenail that had control over me! I had become so very obsessed with revenge to the point I was not even human, but a monsterhuman thing created for pure evil. It had to be stopped.

Nail clippers never had a chance, my nail was too strong from the constant supply of biotin, collagen, and bunny flesh. Scissors broke, swiss army knifes crumbled, even hedge trimmers failed miserably. I then knew cutting the nail off was no longer an option...I had to remove the entire toe.

I once upon a time installed fences. One of the tools used in this job is a 6 foot steel rod with a sharp end to break through tough tree roots that are not effected my the power auger. This thing is super sharp and I knew it would do the job. On a rainy Sunday night I brought the tool and my toe out to a field in the middle of nowhere New York, took aim, and with one mighty swipe, cut my toe off at the ball of the foot. The toe wiggled a little, then died. It was done.

Phil, I sacrificed my left toe for your well being, but beware, oh Phillipea, for now the right foot desperately seeks revenge for its missing appendage, and cannot be controled for much longer. WHAA HAAAA HAAA

Friday

The Red Barron

I can not tell this story, it is entirely too revealing and could incriminate Duba so I won't tell it. That sucks for you too cause its a good one. It has Duba jumping over a fence, fighting, loving, and vomit...it would have made you laugh, it would have made you cry, and it definitely would have made you consider your own humanity very closely.
If you do want to know the story, give me a call and I'll tell you.


Yes, you...call me now and hear the greatest story ever, so good I cannot tell it on a blog for fear of getting both Duba and I thrown in jail.


Why are you waiting, just call, its worth it, trust me.


So you still are not calling. I see, you are like "I don't really care that much about these stupid Duba stories so I don't want to waste my time". Well, you are a freakin idiot.


For real, its like The Never Ending Story x The Princess Bride to the The Godfather power (like an exponent, bitch). SO just pick up that phone and dial. DO IT NOW!!!


Man, you are SO LAME. I'm not even going to keep trying cause if you've made it this far and you still haven't called I am not going to waist my valuable time trying to convince you anymore. And you are just sad, cause why wouldn't you want to hear me tell you a great story? I know why, cause you live a boring life and are scared of exciting things. Well, my story has buried treasure and hot air balloons which are piloted by baboons. YES, FREAKING BABOONS IN BALLOONS, WHAT ELSE YOU DO NEED. CALL NOW.

Duba vs inanimate objects

Have you ever seen a grown man run full speed into a fire hydrant, cause I have, and its FREAKIN AWESOME!!!

Back when I was at TCNJ, we would have the most kickass parties and my hometown friends would come up quite often. I can't exactly remember when it was, but Duba and I were outside of my track house and he turns to me and says "want to see me run into that tree"? I was, obviously, like "hell yes I want to see you run into that tree!" Duba hands me his beer, and I'm thinking he is going to run up to the tree and fakingly smash into it. Nope, he runs full speed into the tree, almost like he closed his eyes and didn't know the tree was there.
Guess what, the tree, a huge old oak, did not move. Duba falls over with cuts to his face, stands up and goes "Duba vs inanimate objects...Round 1...tree wins". My TCNJ buddies now think me and my friends are insane, but they love it, cause come on, who doesn't love to see someone run full speed into things.
Duba then carefully picks out his next opponent, a "No Parking" street sign. Duba was running so fast that we thought he might almost bend the sign a little. Nope, the green metal post wobbled for a second, but that was all and Duba ended up face down on the street's concrete. Duba then proceeds to the fire hydrant with the same results.
As a doctor, it would make sense that the brain would not allow the body to perform these stunts. Possibly the Autonomic Nervous System would kick in and save the body from harm, but Duba always was a wonder, and never won the battle versus inanimate objects.

Take time for some girly TV

Grey's Anatomy is the worst show ever. Now I am not the type to be like "I don't watch girly television", the hackneyed lines, the slow steady dialouge, the rediculousness of the several subplots thrown into each episode, but that show was not even watchable. I will admit to watching Gilmore Girls. Loralli and Rori have chemisty, real feeling and are smart and logical. The M.D.s on this show seem inconsistant, like one moment they are Gods and the next they forget how to brush their own teeth.
This was the two hour season finale. the plot goes as follows...Some blonde medical intern falls in love with a patient who is in desperate need of a new heart. The only problem is that another patient is above our adorned pateint on the list for the one heart, so the blonde almost kills him trying to make his condition worse so that he gets the organ. It works with a little help from her friends and a whole apple farm on needless drama. So now these four interns who almost killed the dude are in trouble with the head of the hospital and won't confess who's fault this is, so they get punished. Do you know what their punishment is...THEY HAVE TO PLAN A FREAKIN PROM. WHAT THE FUCK! THEY KILLED THE OTHER DUDE, WHO HAD TWO KIDS AND WAS A GREAT GUY, AND THEY HAVE TO PLAN A PROM!!! Kick them out of school, call the cops, at least send them home for the day, but assign them the job of giving a sick girl a prom at the hospital is just plain stupid. That is why this show was unwatchable, it is inconsistant the whole way threw. They should have killed the patient off and kept with the drama.
Overall, touching my finger on a hot lightbulb for two hours would have been a better experience, but I sure do hope Loralli gets back together with Luke and Logan doesn't end up with Rori.

The New Jersey record for the shortest discus throw

Jim Duba, you were the one, the true, the original man, myth, and legend.

Another sports season, another crazy story. This may be one of those "you had to be there moments", but let me assure you, those unfortunate enough not to be at Shawnee High School for the South Jersey Relay Championships, this was probably THE FUNNIEST THING I have ever been part of.
Track and Field is a great sport...well, maybe not the track part cause you are always running around, sweating, being all out of breath and tired, and well, it just looks like it sucks. Field is where it's at, especially the throwing events. You only are allowed to move at most six feet across the discus circle. Not only can you eat whatever you want whenever you want, but you are encouraged to do so and the only time you sweat is if you are really fat and sweat all the time anyway, like Brandon Barrett. In fact, Brandon was Duba's discus partner for the meet. They were entered into the Junior varsity Group that Saturday with the promise of doing half decent if they applied themselves and had a good day.
Let me explain a little bit about relay meets. You and your partner each get three throws, the best of which is kept from each thrower and these two numbers are added together to arrive at your total distance. Throwing the discus is somewhat simple...here are the rules. You have to enter and leave the throwing circle from the back half. If you walk out the front or step outside the circle at any time, your throw is considered "fouled" and is not measured. After you throw the discus, a referee marks where it first hits and that distance is measured from the front of the circle. Just so you have an idea, I threw around 150 feet. That's about it for the rules.
Big Joe Hayes was the biggest blackest dude I have ever meet. He was from Rancocus Valley High School and his feet were so big he told us he had to have velcro specially put on them because laces just didn't cut it. He was the awesomest, funny dude and had to be like 6'8" 400lbs (I later saw Joe at Rutgers where he proceeded to drink 12 large glasses of whole milk while standing infront of the milk machine). The funniest thing was he loved Duba, thought he was the funniest kid alive and this kinda made a Jabba the Hut/little laughing thing that hangs around Jabba the Hut relationship.
It was a beautiful day, perfect for the event. It was the kind of day that required very little warming up to prepare; however, Duba and Big Joe Hayes and I think Timmer started throwing the football around to warm up way to early. Joe was so big he could absolutely launch that football, requiring Duba to keep running after it and try as hard as he could to throw it back, eventually leading to Duba throwing out his shoulder.
So the time comes for Duba to get in the circle with the discus and have his practice throw. He did his steps and lets one go, probably about 75 feet, feels he is ready and waits his turn.
"Some dude UP, some other dude on deck, Duba in the hole", it was almost his turn.
"Some other dude UP, Duba on deck", He is next.
"Duba UP!" Duba enters the back half of the circle, stands in the front, inexplicably drops his apparatus, and proceeds to walk out the back half. The Ref yells "FOUL" and Duba spins around to say "No, that's a legal throw, its in bounds and I walked out the back half of the circle", to which the ref could only agree.
The ref shouts "Six inches" to which Duba replies by throwing up his arms in victory. Everyone laughs, Big Joe Hayes falls out of the bleachers with a mighty thud, Brandon can't even collect himself 15 minutes later. Duba had two more throws that day, both of which went who knows how far, only to be purposely fouled as to hold the six inch mark, which is, to this day, the New Jersey record for the shortest discus throw.